The answer to that, strangely enough, is love. Because sex without love can be very satisfying, but it doesn’t have the personal involvement and intimacy of connection that sex in a loving relationship offers.
Now I don’t want you to get the impression that I’m recommending sex within a loving relationship purely because I have some religious or philosophical principle to proselytise.
Far from it: I’m promoting sex within the benefits of a loving relationship because I believe that’s the best way for both men and women to enjoy a fulfilling sex life – not to mention a fulfilling intimate emotional relationship.
You see, for women, the act of sex is an intimate and emotional event that goes far beyond the physicality of the body.
For a woman to truly open her soul to her partner, she needs to feel that she is not only loved but also appreciated and respected.
In any casual sexual relationship these are things which are impossible to establish, so there’s no real reason for a woman to assume that she is indeed loved and respected, and she’s very unlikely to trust her partner fully enough to open both her mind and body (as being penetrated by the man requires).
The consequence of this, unless she’s just feeling extremely “horny”, is that she will most likely have sex without orgasm. Now, many women find this in itself can be a rewarding experience, but the fact is that the majority – indeed, the overwhelming majority – of women want to have sex with the context of a relationship where she feels loved and appreciated by the man.
But when a man is taking the time to give a woman great orgasms, then the relationship’s much more likely to be rewarding. (Of course, having said that, there’s an argument which suggests a man never “gives a woman an orgasm”, but that she simply allows herself to experience orgasmic sexual fulfilment in the presence of a man with whom she feels safe and confident.)
This is not really a point I want to debate very much here; suffice it to say that in our opinion a woman’s capacity for multiple orgasms, squirting orgasms, and gushing orgasms, is much more likely to be manifested in a relationship with a man which is based on trust and respect and intimacy.
And you know, oddly enough, this is not much different for men either: while there is a widespread belief that men can have sex with any woman they fancy, and that somehow in doing so they prove themselves to be a stud.
Yet the reality of the matter is different: I know many men who boast of their sexual conquests, but at the same time look really miserable – and later they admit the fact that unfettered sex, enjoyed without love and affection, has actually just made them feel unhappy and used, rather like women say that impersonal sex does to them!
Now what does all this mean in practical terms? One of the things that it undoubtedly means is that to avoid sexual difficulties – in the case of a man this might include the inability to get an erection, and in the case of a woman it might include inability to reach orgasm – the partners who are investing intimate sexual relationships in each other need to have a connection that goes beyond the physical lust and attraction of being horny – of high sexual desire.
And it’s also paradoxical, but men who have premature ejaculation often report to me that this is worst in the relationships where they are having casual sex with a partner they don’t really know.
In my judgment, this is undoubtedly because casual sex can induce a high level of anxiety, and premature ejaculation is promoted by anxiety (or indeed anger or other intense emotions).
So. Could it be that all along, the people who propagated the view that sex within a loving relationship was the only form of sex worth having were the ones who were correct?!
Without going into a Christian point of view where sex before marriage is a sin, the truth is that sex within an established and secure relationship can be a much more safe and trusting experience for the partners.
When we have sex, we expose ourselves at a very deep and basic level to our partners, and when we don’t trust them fully or know them intimately, there is always a part of us which is holding back from full connection and exposure to avoid emotional wounding.
With a partner you know and trust and love, with a partner to whom you’ve made love many times, and who knows your frailties, weaknesses and susceptibilities, and who trusts you not to abuse or wound them, the safety created can be considerable: certainly enough to open up oneself into a sexual situation.
The inner child within us can enjoy sex to the full, but only when he or she feels safe: the inner children within us tend to avoid coming out and showing themselves where there is a danger of being humiliated, abused, or being put into any situation which looks even vaguely like the ones by which they were wounded during childhood.
So I think one of the things I can take away from this reflection with confidence is the suggestion that lasting longer during sex, or knowing how to make a woman come, or being able to give a woman great orgasms, or even being able to go to the most intimate level of mutually supportive intimacy (working on female ejaculation, for example, also called squirting orgasms) is not just about technique.
Nor is it just about having a relationship with a man or a woman – it’s much more about having a deep and profound relationship where trust and mutual understanding are based on long-term intimacy and happiness within the relationship.
There’s no getting away from the fact that human condition is that of great sensitivity: we are all incredibly sensitive, we are all incredibly sensitive around what we do and say to each other, and we are all incredibly sensitive to the wounds that we can inflict on each other – even unintentionally or without intention.
To avoid any of these problems, and the resulting sexual problems that flow from them, why not consider waiting for sex until you’re in a relationship you deeply know, love and trust?