Do you really want to overcome premature ejaculation?
If you do, then the first step is one that you can take without a partner. It’s actually about controlling your ejaculation when you’re on your own, using masturbation and self stimulation, perhaps employing pornography to become aroused.
As I mentioned before, however, the danger of using pornography is that it can be very tempting, when you’re highly aroused, to simply continue to masturbate to the point of ejaculation, without exercising the control that is necessary to learn a different kind of sexual responsibility. The problem with porn lies in the fact that it is so intensely arousing: far more arousing, in fact, than anything that you will meet in real life relationship.
Nonetheless if you’re clear about using this as a means of becoming aroused then the protocol you should try and follow goes like this: when you’re on your own, and you’re relaxed, and you have no likely demands on you in the next hour or so, and you can be assured of privacy, stripped naked, and with your chosen method of stimulation, start masturbating using a high-quality lubricant.
One of the best lubricants for this process is high-quality massage oil: grape seed oil is fine, so is olive oil although in fact this tends to stain clothing or towels with which it comes into contact, and you need to be careful to ensure protection of furniture and clothing. Even so, I would recommend olive oil — most of my male clients find this very satisfactory for this exercise.
Masturbate to the point of orgasm without ejaculating 4 times, only allowing yourself sexual release on the 5th. Repeat as often as possible and extend the period of masturbation for as long as possible. You will gradually become more aware of how aroused you are, more comfortable with your body, and more able to control your ejaculation.
What Causes Premature Ejaculation?
Many of the men who experience premature ejaculation are highly anxious. Anxiety may be the product of an inherent oversensitivity of the nervous system, about which you can read more here.
However, in my experience whilst this may be one factor in controlling the level of anxiety that a person experiences, it’s also true that anxiety comes from a childhood where one’s upbringing was suboptimal: and by suboptimal, what I mean is the child was not given enough encouragement or reassurance or support, or he was actively encouraged to be fearful of the world, or he took on the fears that his parents had around life, existence, or interaction with other people.
It’s also possible of course, that he was made to feel anxious about physical intimacy with another person by experiencing some level of sexual abuse, or physical abuse, or an unpredictable environment in which loving and hating, anger and pleasure, physical violence and physical reassurance, went alternately and unpredictably hand-in-hand.
So you’re beginning to see, I hope, that the origins of premature ejaculation can lie deep in the psyche, and when a man is out of touch with his body in the way that I’ve described, it is hardly surprising that he is going to have some difficulty aligning his current experience as an adult with the upbringing that he has had, one that perhaps left him with a degree of disconnection from his body. You can read more about delayed ejaculation here: that too, is a consequence of abusive child rearing and fear of intimacy.
Video: Premature Ejaculation
I want to emphasize that childhood experience seems important in the origins of PE. And abuse comes in many forms. For example, abuse in the form of constant denigration or putdowns, or even small slights that are repeated dozens or hundreds of times a week, can also severely impact on a child’s ability to trust his own feelings and his own sensations.
In particular, some parents will contradict a child when he reports his experience, a behavior which, repeated often enough, will unquestionably lead to the child shutting down emotionally and physically, not relying on his own sensations, and no longer trusting what he feels in his body.
So the first thing to do for any man who is experiencing premature ejaculation is good quality bodywork. This can come in many forms: massage from a good female bodyworker, from a Tantric sex therapist who knows what she’s doing, sensate focus exercises with a sexual partner, or indeed, any kind of intimate work that involves physical touch.
The point of this, in my opinion, is to overcome the inhibitions the man senses around physical experience with another individual, and to reassure him that physical touch is safe.
In my work, it’s true to say that I have come across many men who were unable to alter their response — that is to say their fear response — to physical intimacy by using one of these methods: for them, it was necessary to do the exercises with a loving sexual partner, and here we see another problem: many men with premature ejaculation are actually too frightened to get into a relationship because they have been humiliated by a previous sexual partner when they ejaculated too quickly, so there can be a dilemma for men who are seeking to cure this sexual dysfunction.
The dilemma is one of exposing themselves to the possibility of fear and anxiety that intimacy requires on the one hand, while on the other requiring both the love and affection of a partner – something we all need, as we do the sexual release that comes through intercourse. If you’re seeking a way to control premature ejaculation, have a look at this program.
Can you imagine then, how a man in this situation may decide to resolve these difficulties by using pornography for self stimulation during masturbation, and how much this might compound the difficulties that he faces of interacting with a real live sexual partner?
I fear that there is no simple answer to this problem except the one that I referred to earlier, and that is having a clear intention to overcome premature ejaculation.
We know that all kinds of human endeavors, no matter what they may be targeted towards — whether that be financial rewards, behavioral change, goal setting, or having a good sexual relationship with a partner including complete ejaculatory control — visualization and goalsetting are critical elements of the procedure.
But even before the goalsetting and visualization, there must be a clear intention, a clear decision, to actually achieve a particular objective. As I observed before, making this fundamental decision about what you’re trying to achieve can give you both the motivation and confidence and the clarity to move forward with a program of exercises that will help you to achieve your objective.