Delayed Ejaculation

Delayed Ejaculation No More!

A problem faced by many men is much less well-known than premature ejaculation – the problem of delayed ejaculation, when a man can’t ejaculate in a timely fashion during sexual intercourse.

This may sound perverse, because we are all accustomed to experiencing reports in the media of premature ejaculation cures for men who can’t control themselves (or their excitement) during intercourse.

The reality of the matter is, however, that many men have difficulty ejaculating. The problem stems from the fact that many men are “cut off” from their feelings, and therefore don’t experience the correct degree of sexual arousal during intercourse – the correct arousal, in this case at least, being the level of arousal necessary to take them to the point of ejaculation.

So, it’s not an uncommon problem, and it can be cured – but it does require the man who is experiencing it to face up to the emotions that might be causing the problem! Nonetheless, with a degree of determination and some sympathetic help by his partner, most men who have this problem will find that they are restored to full ejaculatory capacity quite quickly.

The cause of the problem is unknown – at least, in the generic sense. What we know at a specific level is that emotional experiences such as anger towards the partner, fear during sexual intercourse, or other difficulties such as guilt and shame around sex can be implicated in this sexual problem. For example, men who feel they have difficulty ejaculating in a timely way may want to avoid exploring their feelings; this is quite understandable. So a compassionate approach to this issue is certainly required.

Solutions for slow ejaculation

Many men with this difficulty will approach the problem from a practical point of view, asking their pharmacist or doctor if they can have some drug that would resolve the day difficulty they’re facing. Sadly, there is no drug, and treatment usually involves some  psychological analysis or exploration.

Now if you’re a man for whom the thought of counselling or therapy is terrifying, then you will be reassured to know that this doesn’t have to be profound or prolonged therapy – it simply has to be effective enough to just loosen the inhibition over ejaculation, and beyond that, any exploration of relationship issues is entirely down to the couple in question.

Often men with delayed ejaculation seem to be a little bit inhibited in the expression of their feelings. They have control of their sexual orgasm, and perhaps even the expression of their masculinity – there are ways to deal with that, that go beyond the common or garden workshop setting, and allow men to find ways to step more powerfully into their masculinity.

One route you might consider if you’re in this situation is the Tantric route to self-exploration and growth and development – while Tantra is thought of something esoteric from the East, that perhaps we Westerners would do well to avoid, it’s actually very practical and wonderful system of exploring the essence of your sexuality in a non-threatening and self esteem enhancing way.

Perhaps is becoming clear to you now that there are many different routes to the treatment of delayed ejaculatory, not all of them have to involve deep exploration of the psyche – something that many men find frightening, as I’ve already observed stop the truth of the matter is that in general the old-fashioned treatment methods such as desensitisation were inadequate because they weren’t backed up any kind of psychological analysis.

With a little bit of exploration of the psyche, and a little bit of exploration of emotional feelings, is possible for men and women to explore the practical, sexual side of their relationship in a way that opens out inhibited concepts and feelings for discussion, thereby loosening the man’s hold or “restraint” over his ejaculatory tendency.

In other words, desensitization is a good approach to the problem, and indeed this formed the first classic approach to treatment: the man would be encouraged to gradually develop greater intimacy with his partner, if only on a physical level, and finally to effect a maneuvre in which he could ejaculate inside his partner.

Now times have moved on, and such forthright and perhaps forceful treatment methods are no longer appreciated by either therapists or clients.

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Aspects Of Premature Ejaculation

Premature ejaculation (PE)

This is a most common male sexual problem. And unfortunately one fundamental problems in this field is that there is no universally accepted definition. Even so, most men intuitvely have some sense of the speediness or delayed quality of their ejaculation. of us would probably recognize a case of premature ejaculation, especially if you were the man to whom it was happening!

Most experts would agree that between a quarter and four tenths of all men experience ejaculation before they wish it to happen. Of course, perception is a big factor in this condition, and most doctors or therapists will use the premature ejaculation definition in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM IV), which is: “Premature ejaculation is persistent or recurrent ejaculation with minimal sexual stimulation before, on, or shortly after penetration and before the man in question wishes it.”

In addition, when you define PE this way, you see a need to specify also that early ejaculation must cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty. Another definition of premature ejaculation is that PE is “persistent or repeated ejaculation with little stimulation before or just after penetration and certainly before the man wishes it, and over which the man in question has almost no voluntary control.”

There’s also a implied condition that the speed of ejaculation must cause the man or his partner some emotional distress. Well, that is highly subjective, and not all couples are bothered hugely by quick ejaculation, even if the man in question would like to be able to last longer in bed.

The key things, of course, in identifying  a case of premature ejaculation are as follows: (1) there is a short interval between penetration (intromission) and ejaculation, (2) that there is a lack of voluntary control over ejaculation and that (3) there is some emotional upset for one or both partners. 

Video on premature ejaculation

There is an alternative definition, in the International Classification of Diseases, Tenth Edition, that specifies a time limit for the length of lovemaking – fifteen seconds. Well, that seems nothing less than ridiculous, for many men who ejaculate within two (or five) minutes would probably consider themselves premature ejaculators, so fifteen seconds is ludicrous, and in any case, any defined cut-off time is purely arbitrary.

Having said that, most experts agree that men who ejaculate within one minute of insertion or penetration have premature ejaculation. Waldinger and colleagues have done much to define time limits between insertion and ejaculation that may be considered to fall within the definition, and this is of course useful in identifying those men who may be good candidates for coaching in how to prevent premature ejaculation, as well as identifying suitable treatments. Their median is 5.4 minutes. Such definitions have been welcomed by researchers as a way to assess the effectiveness of treatments.

Obviously it’s crucial for men who have a tendency to come quickly to identify themselves as having no voluntary control over ejaculation. One point that many researchers miss is that men who cannot control their ejaculation may well not understand that it is in fact possible to exert voluntary control over such an apparently involuntary bodily function. They may well be upset about the lack of control that they have in bed over their ejaculation, but they often do not appreciate that it is in fact possible to control their ejaculation through voluntary effort.

Historically, defining premature ejaculation was thought of as a purely psychological problem and behavioral therapy was thought of as the best treatment. The so-called “stop-start technique” was the first and classic treatment for premature ejaculation – it requires a man’s partner to stimulate his penis until he is almost at the point of no return, then to stop the stimulation until he knows he is no longer near ejaculation (in other words, until his arousal has dropped below the point at which there is a danger of him ejaculating).

The pattern of stimulation and stopping stimulation is repeated until there is a degree of control over ejaculation. A similar technique was put forward by Masters and Johnson in 1970, though they asked the man’s partner to squeeze his frenulum after she stopped stimulating him – presumably because such pressure can cause a loss of erection, so it will obviously take longer for him to get fully aroused again.

The reality, of course, is that many cases of premature and delayed ejaculation are caused by a lack of sexual confidence, by psychosexual anxiety, and by interpersonal issues such as anger or lack of interest in the partner’s well-being, pleasure or satisfaction (what you might call a kind of sexual selfishness).

Although teaching these techniques to delay ejaculation has been a main plank of psychosexual therapy, it may well be much more important in a psychodynamic sense for therapy to be directed at helping a man regain his sexual confidence, reduce his sexual performance anxiety, and more than anything else to resolve any interpersonal difficulties with his sexual partner. Treatment success is rather variable, and the reason for that appears to be that ejaculation is a spinal reflex which is strongly controlled by higher cortical centers – in other words, establishing voluntary control over orgasm and ejaculation is difficult.

Well, that is a matter of opinion. I think that when the motivation to overcome premature ejaculation is there, establishing voluntary control is not actually that difficult. Sure, it takes time and practice, but the key thing is motivation. This control can be developed. It is influenced by past experiences and present context, but there are a very few men with what one might consider to be the classically defined case of premature ejaculation; that is to say, an ejaculation latency which is so short and difficult to control that they may fall into a category where premature ejaculation can be defined with reference to a man’s genetic bias towards early ejaculation. (As an aside, if you’re interested, see here for information on endorphins and ejaculation.)

So, the very nature of this condition means that there is no clear definition of PE.  Indeed, some authors have speculated that in fact far from being a dysfunction, it is actually the normal state of the male reproductive system! Authors have tended to come up with their own definitions based on their interest in the field, influenced by their research bias and individual judgments.

So, for example, the two most common definitions are completely different: the first, due mainly to Waldinger, suggests that a man has PE if he ejaculates within a minute of vaginal penetration; while the second, which originated with Masters and Johnson, states that a man has PE if he ejaculates before his partner has obtained sexual satisfaction. This implies, of course, that a woman will indeed reach orgasm during intercourse, which is a challenging assumption. Many surveys have demonstrated that, at the most, 15% of women regularly reach orgasm during intercourse.

Implicit in the Masters and Johnson definition of PE, then, is the presumption that were a man able to continue making love for longer, his partner would be able to reach orgasm during intercourse. This is highly questionable since most women achieve orgasm by stimulation of the clitoris, which tends not to happen during regular intercourse. In practical terms, therefore, this definition has to be seen as unworkable, and much better is the definition proposed by the American Urological Association. They suggest PE is defined as “ejaculation that occurs sooner than desired either before or shortly after penetration, causing distress to one or both partners”. More here.

Needless to say, it has been suggested that rapid ejaculation is an evolutionary advantage: the faster you impregnate a woman, the safer you are, and the more likely are your genes to pass on to the next generation. This may be so, but it doesn’t alter the fact that today premature ejaculation is a social, if not an evolutionary, handicap.  

So what is the answer? One answer is to adopt a multi-disciplinary approach which combines all available treatment methods for PE. We shall look at the various premature ejaculation treatment options on this website.

Premature ejaculation, based upon the Asian Journal of Andrology, 2008 Jan; 10: 102-109

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Delayed Ejaculation and Erectile Dysfunction

Some aspects of delayed ejaculation causes and treatment

Men who come slowly during intercourse, in other words men who have long IELT (that’s the intra-vagina all ejaculatory latency time, more commonly known as the interval between penetration and ejaculation) may be experiencing this problem because they either have psychological issues or because they have some kind of neurobiological difference to other men. Researchers have observed that men with lifelong delayed ejaculation actually display normal emotional profiles and show no evidence of being psychologically different. The fact is, delayed ejaculation is such a subjective matter: some men who have it lifelong aren’t the least bit bothered about it!

There are certainly plenty of places where you can get advice on all aspects of relationships, including the emotional and the sexual. This is good on the emotional side of relationships.

Other men who repeatedly complain of ejaculating slowly have been shown to have an excellent intra-vaginal ejaculatory latency time. Therefore we might conclude that some men have psychological issues which affect their judgment about their sexual performance: this is quite normal in men.

The other explanation for a faulty perception of time between penetration and ejaculation is the partner’s expectations and aspirations, perhaps being higher than the man’s, or possibly even unrealistic.

This is why the category “premature like ejaculatory dysfunction” was developed: this is a condition which is characterized by an incorrect belief around the man’s sexual capacity, often involving a conviction that what is a perfectly normal time for intercourse is actually too brief.

There is a misjudgment made here, where the man is judging himself against a standard which he sees as typical of all men: this is a psychological condition and the appropriate treatment for men like this is counseling, simple information provision, or deeper psychotherapy.

To formalize the symptoms of delayed ejaculation and decide why it is happening attempts have been made to analyze premature-like ejaculatory dysfunction.

This can be defined as having four aspects:

  • one, a perception of his own rapid ejaculation most of the time when a man is making love;
  • two, persistent worrying about the consequences of the man’s supposed lack of control over his ejaculation;
  • three, a simply mistaken belief that the man’s intra-vagina ejaculatory latency time is below normal;
  • four, no psychological dysfunction that would provide any kind of alternative diagnosis.

The last factor is particularly important, because Waldinger supports the view that so-called lifelong quick ejaculation (involving a time between penetration and ejaculation of 1 to 2 minutes), is based in neurobiological issues from which psychological and relationship problems then develop.

He bases this is in large part on the fact that drug treatment with SSRIs has become standard practice for this conditionNonetheless, it’s not entirely clear how the profile of men with lifelong PE fits into the category of premature ejaculatory dysfunction. Many of these men that they have often successfully implemented coping strategies that help them to manage sex involving only a short time of intravaginal thrusting.

It’s also equally evident, unfortunately, that there are many men and women who have not adjusted to this situation, and continue to experience fundamental interpersonal problems because of it.

A NEW TREATMENT FOR PE?

For this reason it may be helpful for men in the situation to know that so-called cure for premature ejaculation was announced few years ago.

This was a compound known as PSD 502, the codename for topical spray consisting of two common anesthetics – lidocaine and prilocaine.

What’s different about these two anesthetics in comparison to the ones that have been used for many years in controlling premature ejaculation is that they are delivered in a metered dose aerosol formulation, which is claimed to be safe and effective.

Not only that but it’s administered only a short time before intercourse begins, and doesn’t need to be washed off as it is absorbed into the skin.

In the past, anesthetics contained in ointments that were spread on the glans had to be washed off half an hour after application and before intercourse so they didn’t transfer to the partner’s vagina.

So if this aerosol spray really works it could indeed represent a revolution in treatment of premature ejaculation, although one of the critical factors for me in assessing suitability for this use in this way is whether or not it leaves the man able to experience sexual pleasure, and more importantly, whether or not it gives him any sensation of irritation.

The manufacturers claim that it is an agent that selectively desensitizes skin of the penis, only affecting the non-keratinized skin, in other words the inner lining foreskin and surface of the glans penis. If there is any associated erectile dysfunction, you can check out solutions here.

They claim also that it doesn’t affect the feeling ejaculation and orgasm – this is a claim which I haven’t yet been able to test but I will report back on it as soon as possible.

Regardless of that point, one clear advantage is that it’s only applied 5 min before sex, so in some ways it actually suits a schedule of sex on demand, and that is quite revolutionary in these treatments.

Men who report back to me about the use of condoms containing anesthetic lotion have reported that in general these don’t work at all, so it’ll be interesting to see how this new product compares.

In a case study reported in the International Society of Sexual Medicine, 300 men who were tested with an ejaculatory latency time of two minutes or less were divided into two groups, one using a placebo spray and one using PSD 502. You can read about Stud 100 here, too.

Both groups had an average of only 36 seconds before ejaculation after penetration. The researchers claim the group who use PSD 502 spray managed to achieve a time between penetration and ejaculation of 4 minutes while the placebo group only improved to 1 minute. This is certainly a dramatic improvement if borne out by experience in a domestic situation.

As always, the ability to follow the instructions exactly about how to use and apply the medication will be critical in determining what results a man gets. Nonetheless the study seem to revealed that the product was well tolerated by both the man and his sexual partner, and there were no reports of particularly serious or unpleasant side-effects, just minor irritation in some cases.

Dr Ira D sharlip, of the American Urological Association said that because premature ejaculation, most common male sexual dysfunction is, occurring in his estimation about 20 to 30% of men.

Although in my estimation that is really 75% of men, the prospect of any aerosol spray that had the potential to become an effective treatment of premature during ejaculation was long overdue. Clueless medication could be a success if it lives up to its claims.

Are Genetic Issues The Cause Of Ejaculation Problems?

Meanwhile, and perhaps regrettably, research by Dr Marcel Waldinger continues to demonstrate the possibility of a genetic influence on premature ejaculation. In the Journal of Sexual Medicine, Waldinger quite explicitly suggests that the speed of ejaculation is a genetically determined characteristic male sexual behavior.

He studied 89 Dutch men who claim to have experienced premature ejaculation ever since they became sexually active. Men who started to experience this sexual dysfunction later in life were excluded, since clearly there was a social or environmental factor at work to produce PE in those men.

(One might ask why are similar social factors could not have been active in the men who had experienced PE since the time they became sexually active.) A control group of 92 men was used for comparison purposes.

The experiments were conducted in the man’s home during sex with their partners, during which the female partners were asked to record the time from penetration to ejaculation using a stopwatch when they had sex. The experimenters organized the results into a series of bands, delineated by time to ejaculation.

They discovered that men who ejaculated rapidly had much less serotonin, one of the substances linked to transmission of nerve impulses across the gaps between nerve cells. Serotonin is one of the things that is linked to sexual activity and libido in both men and women, so it’s not unreasonable to conclude that there is a link between premature ejaculation and low levels of serotonin.

Waldinger and his associates have claimed that the 5-HTTLPR gene is the one responsible for the brain level and activity of serotonin, and that it occurs in three variants known as LL, SL, and SS.

Apparently men with the LL variation ejaculate much more rapidly, in fact twice as fast as men with the SS and LL gene variants. Although the research is not conclusive, it is interesting that as long ago as 1998 Waldinger predicted that both the speed of ejaculation and primary form of ejaculation would be determined genetically. .

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Delayed Ejaculation -You Can Solve This Problem At Home!

Consequences of delayed ejaculation for men

  • Reduced sexual self-esteem, in other words the feeling that the man isn’t good enough in bed.
  • A sense that he is lacking sexually, and that somehow he doesn’t compare to other men.
  • A more fundamental sense of difference, marking the man apart from other men in terms of his sexual abilities and skills.
  • A sense of shame, around his inability to satisfy his partner.
  • An unspecified, but deeply felt, sense that somehow, something is wrong with the man in some way because he can’t ejaculate during intercourse.
Delayed ejaculation causes all kinds of relationship stresses

Delayed ejaculation causes all kinds of relationship stresses

Consequences For Women

  • A sense that the woman isn’t attractive enough to arouse her partner to the point of ejaculation.
  • A lack of intimacy and connection that originates in a relationship difficulty which is unspoken.
  • A sense of deprivation, because the natural climax of ejaculation during sexual intercourse is not available to her.
  • A sense of disconnection, not being good enough, and total inadequacy, because a man can’t reach orgasm during sexual intercourse.
  • The possible inability to conceive  children if intercourse can’t reach its natural climax.
  • And a sense that her partner may not love her enough to want to ejaculate inside her.

As you can understand, these are not insignificant problems, and they can cause serious difficulties between partners. This is why many therapists and doctors recommend that people who are trying to solve sexual difficulties and delayed orgasm problems in the relationship should see a sexual therapist regarding intimacy issues.

Interestingly enough, however, this particular problem has not been talked about very much, and only in recent years, perhaps due to the influence of the Internet, where anonymous contributions and discussions are possible, has delayed ejaculation become much more widely known.

One of the reasons for this, I suspect is that the men in particular who afflicted with delayed ejaculation suffer a great deal of shame which inhibits them from expressing their feelings and thoughts – and it’s a commonly made observation that men with delayed ejaculation often aren’t particularly “emotionally literate” anyway.

So taken together, you can understand why men are reluctant to seek help from therapists, and why women are unable to do so – because the problem fundamentally requires both members of the couple to engage in some kind of discussion about it.

So all in all, delayed ejaculation is a problematic condition if the partners aren’t willing to open a discussion – and opening a discussion requires trust, which is often one of the reasons why this ejaculatory problem has occurred in the first place!

What are you going to do if you’re in this situation?

Well, one of the things you can do is to look up a self help solution which you can use at home in private, taking the best of all the different kinds of therapies, and incorporating them into a comprehensive treatment program which you can use to address your particular variation of this syndrome.

(I call it a syndrome, because delayed ejaculation can come in many forms: it can start at the beginning of a man’s sexual life, or it can start later in life; it can be generalized – i.e. occurs with all partners – or specific, i.e. it occurs with just one partner.)

For Men Who Have Difficulty Ejaculating

Delayed ejaculation is a condition in which a man finds it difficult to ejaculate regardless of how long intercourse lasts. Usually men with delayed ejaculation can come more or less normally during masturbation. As you can imagine, this condition can cause some difficulties between a man and his partner. A woman whose man cannot ejaculate may assume she is not attractive enough

A woman whose man cannot ejaculate may assume she is not attractive enough.So you have to think that this problem of not being able to ejaculate in a reasonable time frame during intercourse is something about the interaction with the female partner (although it can affect gay men as well).

There are several possible explanations: a man simply hasn’t learned how to be aroused during intercourse with a partner. Sometimes a man has emotional issues which prevent him establishing the degree of intimacy and connection with his partner necessary for full sexual arousal.

In all cases it’s obvious that a man who isn’t able to ejaculate isn’t reaching the point at which his level of sexual arousal would allow him to ejaculate, and it makes sense to suppose this is either because of physiological problem or an emotional issue.

In men who have physical conditions like diabetes, or more specifically diabetic neuropathy, we know these can be a physical cause  of  the
difficulty a  man has in reaching the point of ejaculation.

But for men without such physical conditions, the causes are almost always emotional and psychological. A lot of guys resent this, and blame their ejaculatory dysfunction on penile  insensitivity. While I’d accept that a circumcised penis can develop a keratinized glans over a period of time, whether this does have some impact on the level of sensitivity of the man’s cock is another issue.

However, the unavoidable truth is that the majority of cases of delayed ejaculation appear to be emotionally based, and originate in issues with how aroused a man becomes during sexual interaction with his partner.

The exact nature of the symptoms can help explain what’s going on here: in some cases a man can ejaculate more easily with a different partner. This is a fairly obvious clue that there’s a relationship issue or an intimacy issue with the woman with whom he can’t ejaculate. Ans by the way, this problem is not related to erectile dysfunction. That is generally not an issue when a man has delayed ejaculation, as you can read here in this book.

Life Long vs Acquired  Ejaculation  Problems

Sometimes delayed ejaculation comes on later in life unexpectedly – and in these cases you have to assume there is some change of dynamic in the relationship or some change in the man’s psychology which is causing the problem.

(It is worth mentioning, however, that among the physical causes of delayed ejaculation, low testosterone levels might be a suspect – and such a lowering of testosterone can develop in a man who aged over 50, sometimes quite suddenly. It is why a full medical examination is helpful to pin down the cause.)

All of this raises the rather interesting question of how you can overcome delayed ejaculation.

Video – solutions for delayed ejaculation

Traditionally, delayed ejaculation has been regarded as a slightly problematic condition, one that’s not easy to solve. But that’s not entirely true, because if you have a man and a woman who are willing to cooperate in working together on the relationship issues that might be contributing to the problem, the problem can be generally solved quite quickly and easily.

The difficulty is that in many cases there is a psychological barrier to connection, or true intimacy, between the man and his partner, and it’s sometimes not even helpful to look at this, because the couple are neither interested in nor capable of examining the deeper emotional issues.

Can delayed ejaculation be overcome?

I’d say, cautiously, that the answer to this is “yes”. Something which  resembles cognitive behavioural therapy – in other words dealing with the symptoms rather than the underlying causes – can help men recover the ability  to ejaculate in a timely way during intercourse.

Indeed, originally, one of the treatment methods for delayed ejaculation and was to stimulate the man’s penis very vigorously and at the last minute before ejaculation to insert it into his wife’s vagina, so that he could experience the sensation of ejaculating inside her. It sounds harsh, and indeed it is, but the strange thing is that in a certain percentage of cases, this technique actually worked!

It was almost as though there was a kind of barrier stopping a man form ejaculating inside the vagina – perhaps vaginal aversion or some similar sexual issue.

The experience of overcoming this block to orgasm can be very liberating, and apparently can thereafter empower at least some men to ejaculate normally in the future.

It appears that many men required a more subtle and delicate approach, which basically involved re-establishing intimacy and connection with the partner by means of techniques like sensate focus.

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Fear of Rejection Part 2

What can you do if you have a fear of rejection?

Some people gain great benefit from Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as EFT, or EFT tapping. Now supposing that you don’t believe in energy therapy like EFT, what are you going to do?

Find a good therapist. Psychological work on your shadow is good, of course, since it gets right to the heart of the unconscious issues. The answer probably lies in shadow work facilitation. The idea of doing your personal work in a group may be frightening but it is certainly powerful.

Fear Of Rejection And How It Damages Your Life

Fear of rejection is based on the irrational belief that no one will accept you as you are, nor accept what you stand for and how you behave. This fear can be the product of rejection in early childhood, or later in life. But these days, therapists and counselors tend to find ways to overcome the fear of rejection rather than look at its origins!

We’ll examine these techniques in a moment. But first, fear of getting rejected can impact you in many ways:

  • It makes you think what other people think of you is more important than your own opinion of yourself.
  • It puts others in charge of how you feel and gives them the power to “push your buttons”.
  • It makes you fearful of saying or doing something “wrong”.
  • It makes you withhold your true self because you fear of not being accepted and respected.
  • It makes you look for reassurance from other people and want their approval.
  • It distances you from other people because they sense your neediness.
  • It makes you jealous in relationships.
  • It may make you try to get into relationship too fast, looking for security.
  • Fear of rejection can make you reject others (before they reject you!)
  • Fear of rejection may make you want to fit into society’s norms and standards instead of being unique.

Techniques To Overcome Fear Of Rejection

Instead of fearing rejection, think about benefits from overcoming your fear:

  • Focus on a positive outcome: the date, the possible new friend, the new job.
  • Don’t beat yourself up if you do get rejected.
  • Decide to be courageous and go for your desired outcome.
  • If you do get rejected, be proud of yourself for trying.
    Set boundaries: be clear about what you want.
  • For example, the person you want to date must be a friendly, honest person. The job you want must have a specific salary and amount of free days.
  • Note that if you settle only for what you want, you will naturally decrease your fear of rejection. After all you are now setting expectations as well!

Often being rejected has no real consequences – except on your self-esteem. So make sure you have words ready to deal with rejection: if it’s a date who doesn’t want to see you again, for example, say, “OK, it was nice meeting you anyway, have a nice day.”

Or when you get rejected after the job interview, you could say “OK, I understand, thank you for considering me as a candidate. Would you mind telling me what I could have done better so I can improve on my next job interview?”

All of these things indicate confidence and so help to reduce your fear of rejection. I might add there is nothing wrong with playing at being confident – rehearsing it, even if you don’t feel it, is a good way to develop real confidence and overcome fear of rejection.

And further more, don’t take rejection personally. If you get rejected it can be a blow to the ego, but try to see it in perspective.

Video – How to deal with fear of rejection

Getting rejected is inevitable in life. It will happen. If you accept this as a fact and decide to go for it anyway you become more powerful.Note also that rejection only has the meaning YOU give it. So if your fear of rejection is based on the fact that rejection means you are unworthy and a loser, change the meaning you give it to something more productive, for example: “I did not get the outcome that I wanted.This means I need to consider changing my approach. I can now use this knowledge to my advantage because I now know how not to do this! “

OVERCOME FEAR OF REJECTION

Do you fear new relationships because you worry that you will be rejected?

If the fear of rejection is stopping you forming new friendships or relationships, fear not! Rejection causes so much difficulty because we link it to qualities that no-one wants: very negative views of oneself.  But the more you think about the possibility of rejection, the harder it is to face another event when you might get rejected again!

And if you happen to be emotionally sensitive, or your self-esteem’s a bit shaky, or if you’ve had a dysfunctional or abusive childhood, rejection can seem like the end of the world. (Of course, a lot depends on how you define “rejection”. ) This book on shadows and emotional wounding can help you overcome fear of dealing with your fear of rejection.

However, whether you are sensitive and shy, or confident and out-going, you can change the way you talk to yourself about the your fear of rejection: sure, this means practicing some new ways of thinking about rejection, and you will need the help of some good techniques to develop more supportive ways of thinking.

But one thing remains: if you want to interact with other people and make friends, you have to accept that occasionally people will reject you.

To make fear of rejection less powerful, and reduce the possibility of rejection you can:

  • Remind yourself what beating your fear of rejection will do for you (things like having a happy social life)
  • Change the way you talk to yourself about rejection and stop tying your self-worth to acceptance and rejection
  • Take small steps when developing new relationships
    Know which people to look for (avoiding those who will reinforce a pattern of rejection)
  • Perhaps – depending how brave you are – set out to experience rejection (that way you’ll learn fear of rejection is not so bad)
  • Decide to make approaches to other people with an open mind about the outcome
  • Make a lot of approaches to other people.

One way that you can lessen the fear of rejection is to develop relationships slowly. Your efforts can then be low key and casual, rather than intense. Also, check out a person’s body language and facial expressions.

Do they give you encouragement with smiles and nods? Is their posture open or closed? Do you sense they wish to carry on with the conversation?

If the other person shows no signs of rejection, and is enjoying your company, then you must overcome fear of rejection and make some invitation that will continue the relationship.

Although this may sound terrifying, and indeed may spark your fear of rejection, one way to get over fear of rejection is to put yourself into places and situations where you will get rejected a lot. This is a dramatic kind of therapy, but it is the choice of some therapists in the treatment of shyness.

If you actually confront the situations which cause you to develop a fear of rejection, dealing with the feared event will reduce its power over you. Use some techniques to develop new ways of thinking about rejection, so you can get over negative and self doubting thoughts.

If you have a profound fear of rejection, you may believe your self-worth depends on whether people “approve” of you or accept you. But judging your worth in this way is going to build low self-esteem, because you can become so overwhelmed by negative emotions that you don’t even see the flaws in your thinking.

By making many social overtures, you can clearly see that rejection is simply a part of life. It does not mean you are a flawed human being.

Another important point: even though you cannot control rejection, you can control how you respond to rejection.

If you condemn yourself and stop interacting if you think someone will reject you, then you will miss out on all the warmth, pleasure, fun and excitement that other people can offer you.

And it’s a truth that if you do not put yourself in a situation where a man or woman may say “no” to you, you will never be in a situation where they can say “yes”.

So, the more often you interact with others, the more likely you will be to overcome your fear of rejection. Even though some of those people will reject you, the odds of some people accepting you is still greater than it would be if you met no-one!

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Fear of Rejection

FEAR OF REJECTION

Everybody faces rejection at some time in their life. Sometimes we are rejected in relationships. Most people just forget about the rejection and get on with their lives, looking for new and better opportunities.

But there are some who are taken aback by rejection and can’t accept the fact. After several rejections, these people acquire a fear of rejection, which prevents them from giving their best and results in still more rejection. So the fear of rejection develops into a vicious circle.

Video – fear of rejection

Many people who experience fear of rejection have had a troubled childhood. They did not feel loved by their parents or other family members, and an odious comparison with siblings or other children brought on a feeling of inadequacy.

Many of these children imitate the behavior of those who they admire in a misguided attempt to fulfill their parents’ expectations, resulting in them trying to discard their own personality and disguise themselves as someone else. They grow up to be adults with low self esteem and distorted personalities. This is clearly a wound in the Sovereign archetype.

Sufferers tend to exhibit a particular pattern of behavior. They are unwilling to communicate openly and hesitate to express their views. And if their views happen to be different from those of the ones they are trying to please, they find it difficult to disagree and keep their personal feelings hidden. This means putting their feelings into shadow, the part of ourselves we hide, repress and deny.

Fear of rejection in relationships often comes from previous rejections or failed relationships. Sufferers do not want to initiate a relationship for fear of being turned down. When in a relationship they tend to take it too seriously, too soon. Such overthinking is the area of personality controlled by the magician archetype (otherwise known as the transformer archetype).

This can be disturbing to the other person and result in a failed relationship. People with a fear of rejection are often manipulated by the people they try to please. In groups, they are always at the periphery and are not allowed within their inner circle.

Fear of rejection, like many other social phobias, can be overcome by study and positive action. To start with, you may care to read this book on archetypes and shadow. It explains everything you need to know about shadow and archetypes. Here is the USA version.

Tips for overcoming the fear of rejection.

Many sufferers have become conditioned to always trying to please others. So become aware of when you’re feeling this way and learn to say ‘no’ when people’s demands or requests seem unreasonable.

By saying ‘no’ you are respecting your own needs and boosting your self confidence. Also you will learn to understand and respect those occasions when people say no to you.

Learn how to please yourself and work out in advance your needs for the day and calculate how to achieve them. Don’t let yourself be sidetracked by others who ant to put their needs before yours. This will show you the way to feeling comfortable about saying ‘no’ to others if you feel the need.

Remember that you have a fundamental right to be happy. Don’t allow your feelings of self-worth be governed by whether or not you’re rejected by other people. If you face rejection, tell yourself to move on. If you are rejected for a job or experience any other form of rejection, simply move on and don’t take it personally. Start looking for other opportunities which may turn out better.

Always remember that if you hold back from interacting with people because of your fear of rejection, you miss out on the possibility of acceptance and all that it can bring. If you place yourself in a position where people can’t say ‘no’, then you don’t offer them the opportunity to say ‘yes’.

WOUNDING REJECTION AND SELF-CONFIDENCE

Many men and women have an extreme fear of rejection which has been based on the pain they have experienced when previous relationships have come to an end. How ironic, do you not think, that we can be prevented from getting into a relationship because of our fear of what we may experience when it comes to an end?

And yet, where human relationships are concerned, such fear is far from uncommon. Would you believe it possible that a man or woman could refrain from engaging in a sexual relationship, simply because they feared rejection?

I suppose to some of you that may not come as a surprise, but perhaps those of you who find this a little disquieting may be reassured if I define “rejection” by means of a story about a client of mine. One man who came to see me was so traumatized by his sexual experience that he had not sought out a relationship after his first disastrous experience with a woman at the age of 18.

Somewhat older than him, she had derided his sexual competence after he ejaculated within two minutes of intercourse starting. In fact, she told him to get out of her bed and get out of the house, and never to see her again.

This proved to be so traumatic for the man concerned, possibly because he felt shamed, but more likely because the sheer rejection was too much to cope with. The experience was far too damaging for his self-esteem to be easily rebuilt, and he had never attempted to form a sexual relationship with a woman again until the age of 37.

I would define rejection as anything that severs connection between two or more people, no matter how tenuous; or anything which can leave your his self-esteem in tatters due to the way an individual had spoken to you, behaved towards you, or feels towards you.

After all, rejection is really, at its root, about the existential denial of another person’s right to be different to yourself. Or another person’s right to do whatever they are doing. Or another person’s right to be there. Or another person’s right to have the characteristics that they have.

I know it’s a very sweeping and wide definition, but I believe it’s appropriate. But why, for example, would a woman in bed with the young man mentioned above, berate and deride him for his failure to sustain intercourse for longer than a few minutes?

Certainly this may have reflected a disappointment, but it’s an unkind and harsh way of expressing disappointment. Does this mean that rejection is sometimes the consequence of people’s inexperience, social ability or lack of social ability?

Might it be that when disappointment is expressed in such profound terms of rejection, that the real problem lies in the emotional intelligence (or lack of it) of the person who is wounding the other?

Yes, for sure. But it also lies in the fact that person wounded is sensitive enough to be damaged by this rejection. When one is wounded, one is unable to put a boundary in place which would consist, perhaps, of something like: “That is completely unacceptable; do not speak to me like that; I have no intention of seeing you ever again.”

This of course is something that comes from self-confidence and social experience. So we’re beginning to form a picture, perhaps, of people who feel rejection, or rather more accurately fear rejection, as those who may not be particularly self-confident. Or may those who have weak boundaries, or have been wounded in childhood.

Of course in childhood there are many ways we can be wounded.

We humans are very sensitive by nature, and those people who were brought up without consideration and respect will be very sensitive indeed to rejection. (See the value of unconditional positive regard during childhood here.)

 

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The Art Of Ejaculation Control – Part 4

The skill of ejaculation control

In the end, you are going to have to learn how to control your arousal and your ejaculation. Though this requires some commitment, it’s not the kind of work that is difficult, unappealing or boring! In fact, it can be good for a couple who do these exercises together – it can bring you much closer, and you can experience new levels of intimacy.

And if a woman is fulfilled by experiencing cuddles, closeness, and perhaps an orgasm through oral sex before you begin, she is likely to be helpful and supportive. As a man you may have to realize that this is not, for once, a problem you can solve on your own – after all, it’s your partner’s vagina where you prematurely ejaculate, and you need your partner’s support, not to mention the use of her vagina, to learn how to control it. Communication and love (or at least mutual respect and a feeling you’re going for the same end point) are important here.

If you are having difficulty getting an erection, you might like to review our book on erection problems before you deal with your premature ejaculation.

Learning how not to come quickly

The way you can learn to control your ejaculation is described below as a couple might do it. But up to step 3 you can actually do this training on your own. It might even be helpful to do that, because then you can really focus on your body and what you’re feeling, and learn just what it feels like as you approach the point where your ejaculation is inevitable.

Remember that the whole idea is to learn how your body feels as you get more and more aroused. Learning how it feels as you approach the point where it’s inevitable you’re going to ejaculate, and being aware as you approach this point during sex, means that you can do something to stop or halt the increasing arousal before you lose control! If you ejaculate, you didn’t stop soon enough!

Begin each session with gentle touching and caressing. There are plenty of ideas in the yellow text box above about how to do this. You might ask your partner if she wants this to develop into sex play so she can come before you do the exercises themselves. If not, give her the chance to come afterwards – offer to masturbate her or give her oral sex so she can enjoy her orgasm too. This way you’ll be making sure that both your sexual needs and her needs for affection and sex are satisfied at some point in each session.

And don’t forget this can all be light-hearted and fun. Sex is always better if you can laugh about it and enjoy it in a relaxed way.

A sequence of exercises to control premature ejaculation 

Lie down on your back next to your partner, both of you naked. She needs to be in a position where she is comfortable and she can masturbate you comfortably. Begin by having your partner gently touch and caress your whole body. She can caress and kiss any part of you with her hands, lips and tongue. Relax and enjoy the sensations.

1 Lie down on your back next to your partner, both of you naked and comfortable. Begin by having your partner gently touch, kiss and caress your whole body with her hands, lips and tongue. Relax and enjoy the sensations.

2 When you have a good erection, close your eyes, and ask her to begin masturbating your penis. If you need lubrication to make this comfortable use her saliva. No oral sex.

You need to concentrate on your arousal – not just the pleasure you’re feeling. If you concentrate on the pleasure, you’re likely to get swept away in the rush to orgasm, and that’s not the idea! The idea is to stop your partner masturbating you before you get to the point where you will have no choice but to come.

As she masturbates you, lie still. Don’t let your mind wander off onto sexual thoughts or imagery – keep focusing on how aroused you are. As you approach the point of no return you have to judge when to tell your partner to stop what she’s doing. Obviously if you begin to ejaculate you’ve gone too far! You need to feel your arousal rising, and tell your partner to stop while it’s under your control.

At the point where you tell her to stop, she will lie back and wait for your arousal to decrease.

Obviously if you begin to ejaculate you’ve gone too far! You need to feel your arousal rising, and tell your partner to stop while it’s under your control.However, if you begin to lose your erection, then your arousal has probably declined a bit too much.

You can feel this happening – as you relax, your desire to ejaculate and the feeling of needing to come will decrease. If you’ve been a premature ejaculator for a while, it may take some time – a few minutes – for your arousal to decrease to the level where she can touch your penis again without any danger of you coming.

However, if you begin to lose your erection, then your arousal has probably declined a bit too much. If you lose your erection, try reading this website.

It’s your responsibility to get this right, and you may have to practice a few times before you can judge it correctly. But once you feel your arousal has decreased to the appropriate level, tell her to start masturbating you again.

She needs to use minimum effort, with slow strokes, and as little lube as possible. Stay relaxed – muscle tension will increase your arousal. If you feel yourself tensing up, consciously relax your body. This may go against the habits of a lifetime if you’ve been used to getting off as quickly as possible. You just have to be disciplined. Be a man! The whole point of this is to give you better staying power, not to indulge your own selfish pleasure. So don’t ejaculate! (But if you genuinely misjudge it, don’t be hard on yourself. Just do it better next time.)

Go through this process 4 or 5 times before you continue to orgasm and ejaculation. As you let her take you over the top, try and focus on your internal experience so that you know the  difference between how it feels to be in control and how it feels to know you are going for the pleasure of your orgasm.

Don’t have intercourse, but do allow yourself the pleasure of orgasm each time you practice this complete sequence – say 2 or 3 times a week for 3 weeks. If your partner can’t make it, do it on your own. And make sure she is sexually fulfilled with oral sex or masturbation.

The longer you practice, the better lover you’ll be. So how much do you want to improve?

We conclude our series of articles on premature ejaculation in the next piece.

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How To Last Longer In Bed – Part 3

We start by continuing our look at the phases of sexual arousal

Part 3 Orgasm

The phase of the sexual cycle beyond the moment of ejaculatory inevitability is orgasm, which is usually accompanied by ejaculation. For the moment, we can think of these two things as part of the same process, so closely linked that they are more or less the same. 

An orgasm cannot be stopped once it has started, because it’s an involuntary process of muscular contraction. But a man can control how quickly he gets to his orgasm in a variety of ways. Most obviously, to speed up his coming, he can increase the pressure on his penis by making deeper or harder thrusts during intercourse or by more vigorous hand movements during masturbation. Another way to “get there faster” is to contract the internal muscles which run through from his pelvic bone to his penis, a movement which both speeds up orgasm and make it more intense.

This is the basis of the so-called Kegel exercises for women, used when a woman has a weakness of bladder control. In men, learning to contract and therefore strengthen these very same muscles will result in much more intense orgasms and a much more powerful ejaculation.

woman pretending to have an orgasm

Women – stop faking orgasms right now!

Once the level of stimulation has reached a point where the final phase of sexual arousal is initiated, your body prepares itself for the great climax in all kinds of ways.

Blood pressure goes up, your heart rate rises, your breathing becomes deeper and heavier, and you thrust deeply into your partner, so as to get your semen deep into her vagina. Some primitive reflex reactions may happen too – for example, you may clasp your partner tightly, so she can’t get away as you ejaculate.

Immediately prior to the orgasm itself, seminal fluid builds up in the bulb of the prostate gland. This produces that familiar sense of impending ejaculation, which has been described as one of the finest moments of being a man. This is probably only true if it’s under your control!

Then, at the moment of orgasm, the testicles are drawn up close to the body, the urinary tract to the bladder closes so that semen has to find its way out of the body through the penis rather than being passed back into the bladder, and the series of muscular contractions which actually constitutes the orgasm takes place.

Men who have had prostate surgery occasionally find that they suffer from retrograde ejaculation (ie semen moves into into the bladder). They may not have an ejaculation of any kind. Alternatively they may suffer from erectile dysfunction, which is of course a more serious issue altogether. However, let us return to the sequence of events during orgasm…

These contractions occur in the muscles at the base of the penis, the muscles of the penis shaft, around the anal sphincter, the pubococcygeus muscle and the muscles of the rectum – they contract about eight times, maybe slightly more or less, at eight-tenths of a second intervals, and as they do so the seminal fluid containing sperm is expelled.

These contractions may lead to semen shooting out or just dribbling, depending on the condition of the muscles, how long it is since you last ejaculated, and the volume of fluid which has accumulated during the earlier phases of your sexual arousal.

Orgasms, however, do vary (read this to find out why). They aren’t all earth-shattering events! There are many reasons why they aren’t all as good as each other, of course. Perhaps one of the main reasons is that they do involve the whole body, and therefore simple things like levels of tiredness, fatigue, relaxation and stress will all have an impact on the intensity of the experience.

Obviously, how aroused or randy you are feeling will also have an impact on your level of excitement and the intensity of the sensations during sex. One indicator of the intensity of a person’s orgasm is the degree to which their facial muscles undergo contortions or  the loudness of their involuntary cries at the moment they come.

Things not to do to overcome premature ejaculation

The question is – how do you learn to develop ejaculation control? How do you learn to move more slowly up the arousal side of the graph, and stay longer on the plateau before you shoot your load?

Well, you may have tried creams and lotions which claim to make you last longer – these often don’t work, and since they contain an anesthetic, they have the unfortunate side effect of numbing your penis, and perhaps also your partner’s vagina. There is little or no evidence that these creams work, and they certainly take away the glorious sensations of thrusting into your partner’s vagina, especially if you are not wearing a condom.

You may have tried using a condom, a strategy which actually does work sometimes. However, some men actually find condoms more arousing and likely to make the problem worse. Don’t ask me why! Maybe it’s the association of the condom with the act of penetration that raises his adrenalin levels and makes him more likely to come quicker. What’s worse, though, is that when a couple who are relying on a condom to slow him down change to, say, the pill as a method of birth control, the man may be back to square one. 

Thinking about the most boring subject you can, or doing mental arithmetic, is often recommended as a distraction while you thrust. But guess what – this doesn’t work either! For one thing it takes you away from the pleasure of the sex act and all its wonderful feelings. For another your partner may sense that you are no longer with her – that you have become a bit distanced from her. And third, it just doesn’t work!

Some men try to keep their arousal low by entering their partner quickly. But avoiding foreplay is a recipe for disaster. The idea that you can last longer if you don’t get aroused before you put your penis in your partner is simply incorrect. You’ll ejaculate just as quickly, and because you didn’t spend any time on foreplay your partner will be even less sexually fulfilled than she would have been if you had, say, given her oral sex or spent time fondling and kissing before you entered her.

Don’t try coming twice in succession – usually it’s only a young man who can do this, and unfortunately he is likely to be just as quick the second time as the first. As you get older, you may find that you simply cannot come twice in a session of lovemaking, and the pressure that you put on yourself by trying to do so may well just make you more anxious and therefore contribute to the rapid ejaculation you’re experiencing.

Sexual positions that don’t help the premature ejaculator!

You may have noticed that you come more quickly in some sexual positions than others. This is not a matter of chance – it’s all about how much stimulation your penis receives in various sexual positions and how deeply you thrust. So when you’re learning to control your ejaculation, you can help by adopting the sexual positions that put less pressure on your penis and which restrict your thrusting movements somewhat.

Positions to avoid – the ones that make you ejaculate more quickly

The missionary position – the very basic position of sex – is not so good if you want to control your ejaculation and keep your level of arousal under control. This is because it’s so easy to thrust – you’re on top, she’s underneath, which in itself is very stimulating, and the almost irresistible urge to thrust with your hips, pelvis, and even your whole body can send you over the top very quickly. The act of thrusting makes you ejaculate more quickly than if your penis is just inside your partner’s vagina and she is moving on you. So – avoid the missionary and any other positions where you can thrust hard.

Rear entry is another very unhelpful one for the premature ejaculator. The sheer excitement of seeing your penis thrusting in and out of her vagina, the sight of her bottom, and the ability to thrust deeply into her as you hold her and feel her breasts is not going to help you slow down!

Positions to try to help avoid rapid ejaculation

Side by side and woman on top are the best. They allow less movement for you, and prevent you thrusting as deeply. Your partner will still enjoy these positions – especially woman on top, which can feel very exciting and powerful for her. Side by side positions, reached by starting in the missionary and then rolling over onto your sides, is intimate and gentle, which can be very rewarding for your partner.

These positions prevent you thrusting deep or hard, yet still allow you to enjoy the feelings of warmth and moistness of your partner’s vagina. You can also play with her breasts and enjoy the connection between you while feeling much more in control of your ejaculation. All in all, side by side sex is highly recommended. But it won’t solve the challenge you face on its own.

In our next post we look at more specific strategies to avoid premature ejaculation

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Learning To Last Longer In Bed – Part 2

What about the woman’s experience?

For the female partner, quick ejaculation may be frustrating, especially if she thinks she might have an orgasm through intercourse if only her man could thrust for long enough! This may produce conflict, though couples may choose to deal with premature ejaculation by ensuring that the woman has one or more orgasms through oral sex or masturbation before her man enters her.

This will mean that no matter how quickly he comes, they are both satisfied. And if the partners embrace and cuddle afterwards, they can still enjoy wonderful feelings of closeness and love. It’s also important to remember that for some couples, premature ejaculation is not a problem – in which case it probably isn’t “premature”, it’s fine! But a lot of couples want to be able to control their lovemaking, and both the man and the woman may be keen to see the man last longer.

Things to understand about premature ejaculation

Sometimes a woman finds it hard to understand why a guy cannot control his orgasm. She may even think it means her man doesn’t love her! She may think he doesn’t care, or that he’s just being selfish. (See more about this here.) Even when she genuinely doesn’t mind, and simply wants him to be happy by being able to enjoy vaginal thrusting for longer, he may interpret what she says as meaning she really didn’t enjoy sex very much because he came too soon.

And of course if a man feels badly about coming too soon, he may be angry with himself and lose the special connection with his partner that the couple had established during the early stages of their lovemaking. She may then feel rejected and hurt.

So, if any of this is happening to you or your partner, now’s the time to talk about it, and to understand that it isn’t anybody’s fault, nor is it personal.

Even though your sex life isn’t what you’d like it to be, you can still have fun, laugh, and reach orgasm through masturbation or oral sex. And kissing, cuddling and holding each other are still fun and enjoyable things to do even if you ejaculate after two thrusts in her vagina!

Share with each other how you feel about it. You, as the man, can tell her how it makes you feel, and she can explain how she sees it. Then, being open and honest with each other, you can go to work on the problem together – without resentment or blame!

And, by the way, many women are upset about their guy’s premature ejaculation because they simply enjoy the sensation of having him inside her, and his coming quickly deprives her of this sensation. So, if your partner finds penetration rewarding, then you can try putting your erect penis into her vagina without moving or thrusting, and in this way enjoy being close for quite a long time.

It really doesn’t take that much effort to resist the temptation to thrust, and by hugging each other close as you do this, the woman may get great satisfaction and feel very loved. Obviously this idea can avoid the problem of you not being in her for very long before you come. Try it and see if it helps. But in the end you will probably want to become a longer lasting lover by using the exercises lower down this page!

By the way, it’s normal for guys to come more quickly with one woman than another: usually a man comes more quickly with an aroused, passionate and exciting lover, because a woman’s arousal is a real turn-on for him. And, as you probably know, a man can usually last much longer when his partner gives him oral sex. It’s also very common for a man to ejaculate quicker if he’s not having sex very often or if he’s seeing his partner relatively infrequently. More about this here.

The male sexual response – learning to last longer

If you’re now scratching your head in bewilderment, and wondering how a man can possibly control when he comes, think of masturbation. You can almost certainly choose how quickly you ejaculate when you masturbate – or, at the very least, you’ll have more control over how quickly you come.

If you have an erection problem

This book on controlling erectile dysfunction will show you how to gain enough control over your erection be able to make love successfully.

If you simply want to control premature ejaculation

A great place to start is with an understanding of the normal “cycle” of male sexual arousal. This has four parts to it: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. (I promise you that reading all this will be helpful in learning to control your ejaculation, so be patient! The methods you can use to control premature ejaculation come later. Pun intended!)

Excitement

The road to orgasm begins with some stimulation which increases sexual arousal in your mind and body. In your mind, you begin to feel horny; in your body, you get an erection. In men there may also be an increase in muscle tension, flushing of the skin and erection of the nipples. Although you might not be aware of it, your testicles swell up, your scrotum tightens, and your penis begins to seep a lubricating fluid which is designed to lubricate the movement of the foreskin over the glans: this liquid is known as “pre-cum”, and it can be an exciting sexual stimulant in its own right – certainly as exciting as the lubrication which a woman produces from her vagina when she is entering her phase of sexual excitement.

Assuming that your penis is engorged with blood, and your erection is hard and firm, or, if you are middle-aged or older, perhaps slightly less firm than it once was, you’re well into the phase of sexual excitement. This can last for hours, although it is likely that a man who’s excited but doesn’t have an orgasm will lose his erection after a while. It’s possible that a young man’s arousal or excitement will become so intense that he spontaneously ejaculates.

The excitement phase of sexual arousal can be a rewarding experience even if it doesn’t progress to orgasm, because your brain is producing endorphins, which are the body’s own natural morphine-like pleasure drugs.

What’s more, an erection is pleasant in itself, since it puts pressure on the sensitive parts of the penis head. The longer the excitement phase goes on, the more intense your orgasm will be when you finally come. In fact it’s worth sacrificing the quick pleasure of a rapid orgasm for the greater pleasure achieved when you come after an hour or two’s erection and arousal. This is because the longer the excitement phase lasts, the greater the volume of seminal fluid produced by your prostate and other glands.

When your ejaculation does occur, this greater volume of fluid will produce more intense and pleasurable contractions – as well as an impressive shower of ejaculate! My experience is that no matter how satisfying a quickly attained orgasm can be, an hour or two spent cuddling and kissing and enjoying foreplay will actually make things better for the man as well as the woman (who generally needs much more romantic foreplay to get to the same level of arousal as her man anyway) because as well as producing a much more intense orgasm, the volume of fluid ejaculated will be much greater.

Plateau

The plateau phase is simply the name used to refer to the period while sexual arousal or excitement continues but before orgasm has happened. Assuming that sexual stimulation and arousal continues (or increases) so much as to lead to an orgasm and – intentionally or not – an ejaculation, there’s a point just before a man ejaculates called “the point of ejaculatory inevitability”: this is the moment when semen is moved from the seminal vesicles and prostate into the base of the penis ready to be ejaculated.

You know this experience – it’s the moment when you know for sure that you’re going to come and nothing, but nothing, will stop it! If you are in control of your ejaculation, it’s a glorious moment, during which time seems to stand still for an instant before the contractions of ejaculation shoot your semen out of your penis. If you’re not in control it’s likely to be a moment just long enough for you to mutter or groan or shout “Oh shit!” before you shoot your load  – much to you and your partner’s disappointment!

This is where there’s a difference between premature ejaculators and those who can last longer: men with ejaculatory control can stay on the plateau phase longer, and they recognize sooner the feelings they get when they approach the moment of ejaculatory inevitability on the road to orgasm.

This enables them to reduce their stimulation, lower their arousal, slow down the rate at which they approach orgasm and so stay on the pre-ejaculatory phase of their sexual response. In other words, they don’t orgasm or ejaculate uncontrollably. This is illustrated on the graph below.

Sexual-response-cycle

In our next post we look at the other stages of orgasm.

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How to control premature ejaculation – part 1

How to stop premature ejaculation

Ok, so you’re having a problem coming too quickly. You put your penis into her vagina, feel that delicious warmth and wetness, and before you’ve thrusted more than a few times, once again, you’re ejaculating uncontrollably. That’s why you’re here, right? Well, the good news is that with some commitment, you can solve this issue quite easily and become a longer lasting lover.

And the other piece of good news is that you’re not alone! Whatever your friends may tell you about their sexual performance (and despite what you’ve seen in porn movies), the simple fact is this: over three quarters of men ejaculate within two or three minutes of entering their partner’s vagina.

This may be no comfort if you’re a quick comer, especially if you’re upset that you can’t last longer in bed, but what it means is this: premature ejaculation is both normal and very common. 

Now, you want to last longer, and that’s a great objective. But have you thought how long would satisfy you? Would ten minutes of vaginal thrusting be good enough? Or would you want to go on for half an hour? Well, surprising as it may seem, the length of time for which you can thrust your penis in her vagina isn’t the point. Why? Because when you learn to deal with premature ejaculation, you don’t learn to go on for a particular length of time – you learn to ejaculate when you want to.

This may surprise you. As a quick comer, you’re probably used to your orgasm approaching and your ejaculation following hard on its heels with a sense of having no control over the process. How could anyone, you may think, learn to ejaculate when they want to? And what may seem even more puzzling is working out how this is done! I mean, how do you decide to ejaculate? And what do you actually do to make it happen?

The answer is that ejaculation can be either a voluntary or an involuntary function. It’s a bit like breathing. You don’t have to think about your breathing for most of the time because it just carries on. But when you want to, you can bring it under your conscious control, and choose to breath more slowly or faster as you wish. This is what you can learn to do with your ejaculation – slow it down or speed it up, but above all, choose when you want to come.

Sometimes, of course, when you are very aroused – or when your partner is very aroused – you will find that your ejaculation tends to happen more quickly. (After all, there is nothing like making love to a very aroused woman to make a man spurt faster!) But the point of what we’re going to do here is to make you feel in control – to leave you with an element of choice about when you come.

Why do men ejaculate so quickly?

Well, you may be thinking, that’s all very well, but why do men come so quickly anyway? (Which begs the question – how fast do most men come?)

There are several reasons. The first is that we’re male animals. As I said above, surveys show that three quarters of men ejaculate within two minutes of entering their partner’s vagina. For young men in particular, four minutes is almost a lifetime of thrusting! But why? You might think it strange that rapid ejaculation is so common.

After all, there are few things in life more pleasant than having your erect penis in a warm, moist vagina! But imagine how our ancestors lived. They wandered about in a harsh environment, probably at risk of being killed by hostile enemies. The shorter the time during which males were distracted by the act of sex, the better, because they were defenseless while they mated.

The quicker they mounted the female, ejaculated and dismounted, the better. Sex wasn’t for pleasure – it was for reproduction. So, in evolutionary terms, it would be much safer to make the act as brief as possible. And what’s more, the less time males spent on sex, the more time would be available for protecting the females and babies or hunting.

This must have been an effective strategy for preserving the species and producing babies, but it certainly didn’t leave us with a great legacy as human males: the thrusting of a penis in a vagina was designed to produce a quick ejaculation. And all too often it still does!

The second reason is that we learn to ejaculate quickly as young men. Most boys discover masturbation in secret, and I think almost every young man would be horrified if his parents ever revealed that they knew he was masturbating – it just isn’t talked about, even though every father in the world masturbated when he was a boy (and probably still does).

So even though almost all teenage boys masturbate with great enthusiasm and frequency, we don’t talk about it, and there’s still a lot of shame attached to the act. And the shame means it’s done quickly – under the bedclothes, in the bathroom, wherever: reaching orgasm isn’t something that a boy learns to prolong so as to enjoy the feeling. He never tries to keep himself on the edge of coming for as long as possible. Nor does he ever stop to savor the experience: the urgency is too great, and his quick orgasm is too rewarding anyway!

All of this means he does not learn about the feelings in his body as he moves towards orgasm, especially the feelings that mean he is about to ejaculate. The result is that he has no sense of how to slow down and spin out the process. And so he never learns how to control his arousal nor to control the speed with which he reaches orgasm.

And the third reason we may ejaculate quickly is that we’re not confident lovers, confident in our sexuality, or confident with women. Anxiety is the enemy of self-control, so fears about our performance don’t help us to be long lasting lovers. It’s a fact that having the confidence to know you can keep going actually helps you keep going.

The opposite seems to be true, too: if you’re not confident of your ability to keep going, your nervousness increases your level of emotional and sexual arousal, and, before you know it, bang! you’ve ejaculated too soon again.

To put this in simple terms, getting a woman and having sex is an urge driven by every aspect of our masculine being. It’s fundamental to our self-image as men, and it’s something that we think about endlessly (as you know!). There is of course another problem which can affect men that slows down ejaculation. This is a condition called delayed ejaculation. If you happen to have this issue, try this book: Delayed Ejaculation: How To Overcome Delayed Ejaculation at Home In Private

But often, when we get a partner, there’s a sense of perhaps not quite being in command of the situation or a certain surprise, perhaps, that we are in a sexual relationship with a woman who wants us to make love to her. Sometimes a man also has a sense of nervousness about not being a good lover, or he is not sexually confident. And some men are, at some very deep level, afraid of or angry at women. All of these things can precipitate fast ejaculation is to be expected. But it can still be controlled, as this book shows

By the way, if you have any emotional or psychological issues of the kind described above, or you want to straighten out your feelings around sex, it can be very helpful to work with a shadow coach. This is a type of therapist who will help you discover what is in your shadow. This is the part of your mind that remains unconscious. Although unconscious, this part of your mind may have a massive impact on your well being and  your way of expressing yourself sexually.

But can men really control their ejaculation?

I remember my first experience of sex very clearly. I ejaculated the moment I penetrated my girlfriend’s vagina and felt the warmth of her body around my penis, and I continued doing this for many weeks after that. No-one would describe that as a satisfactory sexual experience,  I’m sure. But then what would be satisfactory? Ten minutes spent thrusting before coming? Half an hour? An hour?

I remember a friend telling me when we were in our late teens that he could actually choose when to let go and ejaculate. I found this absolutely astonishing: if he and his girlfriend wanted a “quickie”, he said, he allowed himself to ejaculate almost at once, simply choosing not to make it last; but if they wanted prolonged intercourse, then he could thrust away for ages. What kind of ejaculation control was this, I wondered?

I found it difficult to believe this, because like most men my experience was about grimly hoping for the best and yet nearly always coming uncontrollably – not that it was ever unpleasant, of course, but it was certainly disappointing. So, like I said above, the important thing about premature ejaculation is not so much that a guy comes quickly, but that he has no control over when he comes. If you’re a quick comer, what you need to learn is not to last longer but to be able to control your ejaculation and have choice over when you ejaculate. 

We’ll cover more about that in the next post.

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