We start by continuing our look at the phases of sexual arousal
Part 3 Orgasm
The phase of the sexual cycle beyond the moment of ejaculatory inevitability is orgasm, which is usually accompanied by ejaculation. For the moment, we can think of these two things as part of the same process, so closely linked that they are more or less the same.
An orgasm cannot be stopped once it has started, because it’s an involuntary process of muscular contraction. But a man can control how quickly he gets to his orgasm in a variety of ways. Most obviously, to speed up his coming, he can increase the pressure on his penis by making deeper or harder thrusts during intercourse or by more vigorous hand movements during masturbation. Another way to “get there faster” is to contract the internal muscles which run through from his pelvic bone to his penis, a movement which both speeds up orgasm and make it more intense.
This is the basis of the so-called Kegel exercises for women, used when a woman has a weakness of bladder control. In men, learning to contract and therefore strengthen these very same muscles will result in much more intense orgasms and a much more powerful ejaculation.
Women – stop faking orgasms right now!
Once the level of stimulation has reached a point where the final phase of sexual arousal is initiated, your body prepares itself for the great climax in all kinds of ways.
Blood pressure goes up, your heart rate rises, your breathing becomes deeper and heavier, and you thrust deeply into your partner, so as to get your semen deep into her vagina. Some primitive reflex reactions may happen too – for example, you may clasp your partner tightly, so she can’t get away as you ejaculate.
Immediately prior to the orgasm itself, seminal fluid builds up in the bulb of the prostate gland. This produces that familiar sense of impending ejaculation, which has been described as one of the finest moments of being a man. This is probably only true if it’s under your control!
Then, at the moment of orgasm, the testicles are drawn up close to the body, the urinary tract to the bladder closes so that semen has to find its way out of the body through the penis rather than being passed back into the bladder, and the series of muscular contractions which actually constitutes the orgasm takes place.
Men who have had prostate surgery occasionally find that they suffer from retrograde ejaculation (ie semen moves into into the bladder). They may not have an ejaculation of any kind. Alternatively they may suffer from erectile dysfunction, which is of course a more serious issue altogether. However, let us return to the sequence of events during orgasm…
These contractions occur in the muscles at the base of the penis, the muscles of the penis shaft, around the anal sphincter, the pubococcygeus muscle and the muscles of the rectum – they contract about eight times, maybe slightly more or less, at eight-tenths of a second intervals, and as they do so the seminal fluid containing sperm is expelled.
These contractions may lead to semen shooting out or just dribbling, depending on the condition of the muscles, how long it is since you last ejaculated, and the volume of fluid which has accumulated during the earlier phases of your sexual arousal.
Orgasms, however, do vary (read this to find out why). They aren’t all earth-shattering events! There are many reasons why they aren’t all as good as each other, of course. Perhaps one of the main reasons is that they do involve the whole body, and therefore simple things like levels of tiredness, fatigue, relaxation and stress will all have an impact on the intensity of the experience.
Obviously, how aroused or randy you are feeling will also have an impact on your level of excitement and the intensity of the sensations during sex. One indicator of the intensity of a person’s orgasm is the degree to which their facial muscles undergo contortions or the loudness of their involuntary cries at the moment they come.
Things not to do to overcome premature ejaculation
The question is – how do you learn to develop ejaculation control? How do you learn to move more slowly up the arousal side of the graph, and stay longer on the plateau before you shoot your load?
Well, you may have tried creams and lotions which claim to make you last longer – these often don’t work, and since they contain an anesthetic, they have the unfortunate side effect of numbing your penis, and perhaps also your partner’s vagina. There is little or no evidence that these creams work, and they certainly take away the glorious sensations of thrusting into your partner’s vagina, especially if you are not wearing a condom.
You may have tried using a condom, a strategy which actually does work sometimes. However, some men actually find condoms more arousing and likely to make the problem worse. Don’t ask me why! Maybe it’s the association of the condom with the act of penetration that raises his adrenalin levels and makes him more likely to come quicker. What’s worse, though, is that when a couple who are relying on a condom to slow him down change to, say, the pill as a method of birth control, the man may be back to square one.
Thinking about the most boring subject you can, or doing mental arithmetic, is often recommended as a distraction while you thrust. But guess what – this doesn’t work either! For one thing it takes you away from the pleasure of the sex act and all its wonderful feelings. For another your partner may sense that you are no longer with her – that you have become a bit distanced from her. And third, it just doesn’t work!
Some men try to keep their arousal low by entering their partner quickly. But avoiding foreplay is a recipe for disaster. The idea that you can last longer if you don’t get aroused before you put your penis in your partner is simply incorrect. You’ll ejaculate just as quickly, and because you didn’t spend any time on foreplay your partner will be even less sexually fulfilled than she would have been if you had, say, given her oral sex or spent time fondling and kissing before you entered her.
Don’t try coming twice in succession – usually it’s only a young man who can do this, and unfortunately he is likely to be just as quick the second time as the first. As you get older, you may find that you simply cannot come twice in a session of lovemaking, and the pressure that you put on yourself by trying to do so may well just make you more anxious and therefore contribute to the rapid ejaculation you’re experiencing.
Sexual positions that don’t help the premature ejaculator!
You may have noticed that you come more quickly in some sexual positions than others. This is not a matter of chance – it’s all about how much stimulation your penis receives in various sexual positions and how deeply you thrust. So when you’re learning to control your ejaculation, you can help by adopting the sexual positions that put less pressure on your penis and which restrict your thrusting movements somewhat.
Positions to avoid – the ones that make you ejaculate more quickly
The missionary position – the very basic position of sex – is not so good if you want to control your ejaculation and keep your level of arousal under control. This is because it’s so easy to thrust – you’re on top, she’s underneath, which in itself is very stimulating, and the almost irresistible urge to thrust with your hips, pelvis, and even your whole body can send you over the top very quickly. The act of thrusting makes you ejaculate more quickly than if your penis is just inside your partner’s vagina and she is moving on you. So – avoid the missionary and any other positions where you can thrust hard.
Rear entry is another very unhelpful one for the premature ejaculator. The sheer excitement of seeing your penis thrusting in and out of her vagina, the sight of her bottom, and the ability to thrust deeply into her as you hold her and feel her breasts is not going to help you slow down!
Positions to try to help avoid rapid ejaculation
Side by side and woman on top are the best. They allow less movement for you, and prevent you thrusting as deeply. Your partner will still enjoy these positions – especially woman on top, which can feel very exciting and powerful for her. Side by side positions, reached by starting in the missionary and then rolling over onto your sides, is intimate and gentle, which can be very rewarding for your partner.
These positions prevent you thrusting deep or hard, yet still allow you to enjoy the feelings of warmth and moistness of your partner’s vagina. You can also play with her breasts and enjoy the connection between you while feeling much more in control of your ejaculation. All in all, side by side sex is highly recommended. But it won’t solve the challenge you face on its own.
In our next post we look at more specific strategies to avoid premature ejaculation